Indeed, the coming of January brings about a sense of newness, a start off with a clean slate. And with renewed vigor and excitement, we look forward to doing the things that we were not able to do the past year and change whatever it is we want to change this year.

While I am not a fan of formal resolutions, I still begin my new year with writing goals and follow it through. But whatever you are comfortable with, here are some general tips that will help kick in new habits and facilitate your success for 2017.

1. Begin immediately – Stop procrastinating. Things are accomplished not so much from thinking but from action. Do not wait for things to get certain or the holiday fever to be over for you to start. Capitalize on the collective energy that is available now to immediately begin whatever it is you need to do.

2. Start Small – Most resolutions fail because they are grand and overly ambitious or they may be too many that you lose track of them. Pick out the three most important goals you have in 2017 and focus on them. After which, accomplishing your other goals in your list will be easier.

3. Take your time – While you may be overzealous to check out your list, it is important to remember that it requires time to do them. Particularly if you want to change something in you or develop a habit, a great deal of consistency is needed. It takes at least a month, as some studies suggest, to make something second nature to us. There is a saying that says, “Inch by inch, it’s a cinch”. So, don’t lose steam, take your time.

4. Write down your goals – It is very important to write down your goals. When you write them down, you help yourself fine tune and clarify what you really intend to do, and it strengthens neural pathways in the brain related to your desires. This process is necessary for your success.

However, in writing, you have to be as concrete as possible and jot down how you want to implement your intentions to accomplish your goals. For example, writing “I will start exercising this year” is not a very specific goal. Instead, write “Every 5 p.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I will put on my running shoes and run for at least 30 minutes.”

5. Factor-in God – Anything that we set for this year will only take on meaning if we include God in it. Now, meaning is indispensable because the deeper the meaning we attribute to our goals, the greater will be our drive to accomplish them. God has the ultimate plan for us and it is very healthy on our part to surrender all our list of goals and resolutions to Him. With God on our side, that would be a formidable team.

So, there you are. Together, let us look forward and usher in 2017 with great expectations. Happy New You!

P.S. Take care of your mental and psychological health this 2017. For your assessment and psychotherapy needs, set an appointment with me through 09122506898 or email me at [email protected].

It’s another year! And if there is anything we would like to have and be this year, that would be happiness.

For 2017, let us strive to be happier and more productive. And research has revealed to us the many simple ways to be happier. You don’t have to win the lotto, or get married, or be stress free to achieve this goal. Just follow these simple steps and do them consistently.

One caveat though. These activities might appear too simple. But believe me, it is the enacting part and committing to performing them regularly that is the challenge. You can’t say, “I have done this once or twice, I expect to be happier.” You need to incorporate these activities in your disposition and schedule.

So, here they are.

1. Express gratitude – Appears to be very simple but even the most trained professional can succumb to depression because she gets caught in the loop of over activity and forgets to be thankful. Studies show time and again that the simple act of counting our blessings will have a significant impact on our mental and physical health.

Specifically, you get the benefit of expressing gratitude by writing three things you are thankful for at the end of the day. Expressing gratitude in relationship contexts also enhance intimate bonds. So, say thank you now to your partner or your loved ones.

2. Start something new – One of the challenges to enduring happiness is that we easily adapt to the pleasant but ordinary stuff everyday. The antidote to this is to find a new activity. Register for a triathlon, go fishing, learn a new language, learn to play an instrument, serve the community, join the choir, etc . According to research, it is the experiences, not things, that can make us happy. Hence, let us take advantage of the many meaningful opportunities that surround us just outside our comfort zone.

3. Be more personal – We have lost our face-to-face human connection now because of technology. We are putting more priority on texts, emails, Facebook, etc, over personal encounters. But nothing can ever replace the shared laugh of friends, voices of loved ones, or a meaningful conversation over dinner.

Research again shows that face-to-face contact enhances physical health, perceived social support, and happiness in surprisingly potent ways. So, take more time to be with your favorite people in person this year.

4. Volunteer – You might think that doing volunteer work is benefitting only the one you are serving. You are wrong. There is ample evidence to suggest that doing prosocial behaviors – actions that are done to benefit others – bring surprising benefits to the person doing the kind acts. How small the act might be, there is a clear mood boost that comes from doing a kindness.

Martin Seligman, a renowned pioneer in positive psychology once remarked, “ doing a kindness produces the most single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise we have tested.” So, get involved and show your kindness more pronouncedly this year.

Happy New Year everyone! Thank you very much for journeying with me through this column. We look forward to a happier 2017!

For appointments call or text 09122506898.

All of us know children need love. The prescription sounds simple and clear, yet countless children whose parents care deeply feel unloved.

How can this be? Because we think that loving them is enough without knowing if they feel loved at all.

It is the child’s feeling of being loved or unloved that affects how he will develop not if we love her at all. There is a big difference between being loved and feeling loved. I cannot overemphasize this. A deep understanding of this truth will enable us to direct our energies to what really matters.

But how do we begin? How do we bridge the gap between good intentions and effective actions?

There are two general ingredients, if we’ll borrow from Dorothy Briggs (1970), that will help us make sure that we are creating a climate of love and communicating this love to our children effectively: GEUINE ENCOUNTERS and PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY. Let us first take on the first knowing fully well that this is the basic foundation of our whole recipe of getting our message of love across.

Have you ever experienced getting lost in something that you do or you are involved in? To illustrate, I had a date last Sunday with my wife and we watched The Hunger Games. In the middle of the movie, I heard controlled sniffing, and when I looked at her, I saw glittering tears flowing down her eyes. I did not bother to ask why. I knew she was touched by the scene where Katniss lost an ally and had to keep herself alive all by herself again. My wife felt and experienced realistically, the moment by moment flow of emotions and the “particularness” of the situation. In other words, she was deeply engaged. She had a genuine encounter with the characters and the scene.

To feel loved, our children need a good dose of these genuine encounters. To make this happen, we need focused attention. It is attention with special intensity borne out of of direct, personal involvement. It is being in the here-and-now. It is being physically and mentally present. Doses of this genuine encounter communicate a very vital message. It says, “It’s important to me to be with you.” On the receiving end, the child concludes, “I must matter because my mommy/daddy takes time to be involved with my person.”

But mind you, it is not easy to be present. Most of us find this difficult because our brains are not wired to be present. It is built to think and wander in the future or the past. That is why we’d rather give presents than presence because it is easier.

For instance, my son Kisig is already so inquisitive, and as if testing me on purpose, he barrages me with a lot questions mostly when I am in front of my laptop. And there are times, especially when I am pressured by deadlines, I would just say “yes”, mumbles an “uh, uh” while I keep my gaze on my writing. I’ll give him a paper and a pencil so he could do something on his own, tell him to just draw, and I would continue to type. But if I go on with this, I will not be surprised if one day he will stop coming to me, not because he understands I have to work, but because he felt rejected by my indifference.

Now, if genuine encounter is focused attention, where is our focus? Do we concentrate so much on doing things for our child that we forget to focus on her as a person? Do we rush so fast to prepare the food, wash the laundry, finish the report, and make money for her education that we overlook her? Or do we take time outs – in those small moments when she brings a feeling or thought, or during a special time she can count on – to be fully open to her? We answer these questions everyday by our behavior. We can lose sight of the wonder of our child if we attend habitually to activities, the past, or the future, rather than her “particularness” at the moment. But if we attend fully to our child long enough that we create a predictable pattern, we can be assured that we get the message across.

So, let us decide to create genuine encounters with our children, may it be in small increments or a scheduled time every week that is solely for each of them. To truly learn how to be present, let us allow our children to teach us. If we take time to observe them, you will notice how engaged they are in their activities, how lost they are in what they do. We will discover how much they relish every moment and milk every opportunity. If they are happy, they really laugh boisterously. If they get hurt, they cry as if it’s the end of the world. They are real. They don’t pretend. They don’t fake it. They are simply present. That is why they are very good at knowing if our engagement is whole or divided. Since they are naturals in this arena, they expect us to at least be present, be focused, and be in their zone also.

I recommend that we parents take on meditation classes, particularly mindfulness meditation, if we want to be helped on managing the activity of our thoughts and being present despite distractions. If this is not possible, we should decide to give quality time to ourselves where we can practice being silent and attend to the moment by moment of our present experience. This is important because the more we are attuned to our very own self-encounters, it is easier to engage and be present with our children. And of course, we need to practice until this behavior becomes second nature.

Genuine encounter is a very important ingredient, but it cannot stand alone. We will tackle the other parts of the recipe and discover how psychological safety nurtures love between parent and child.

There are two very significant environmental influences on our children’s development: developmentally appropriate stimulation and responsive parenting. Today, we are ready to take on how parents and the home can do or undo what children assimilate in school. But first, let us take an overview.

Last Sunday, I listened to the sharing of a brother in my Catholic community (CFC-FFL). He regrets about how he failed to truly nurture his children, especially his bunso. He is a wealthy man. He is engaged in various businesses and owns vast hectares of land. While his children are all professionals and even top the board examinations, his youngest has succumbed to illegal drugs. Among other things, he laments about how he thought he has provided everything for him. He expected that the money has compensated for his lack of affectionate presence and tender care. While it’s not yet too late, he made a decision to value his son as he is and connect with him at a deeper level whatever it would take.

Nowadays, stories like this have become too common. Why? Where have we gone wrong? Part of the answer is that no one prepared us to be parents. For most of us, we learned the ropes of raising a family through copying (unconsciously for some) the ways of our very own parents and perhaps a little reading or some seminars here and there. And we proceed with this long-term vocation with very minimal knowledge and lots of hope for a bright future, a future that may turn out, not as we anticipated.

To be a parent is a truly demanding endeavor – in all facets. And because it is demanding, not everyone is “successful”. For one, parenting requires time. Not only is it a 24/7 job, it also necessitates the appropriate use of this time. And talking about time, it is not how long we spend it with our kids but rather how present we are with them.

Like everyone else, when I get home from work, all I wish is to rest and recuperate. But eagerly waiting for me at home are two vigorous and kulit boys who want every piece of me. They are not only happy that Daddy is home, but they are excited that Daddy will be theirs, whole and undivided. My wife has to wait until they have enough of me because for sure it matters so much for them. And so, after a day’s work, I find myself playing with my sons, lost in their world.

But it wasn’t always like that. There were times when I pretended I was listening. I nodded and answered their questions but I was not really engaged. And it was too easy for them to expose my faking – they demanded more of me and that’s when I get irritated and would start to raise my voice. There they would sense that although I’m there I am not really present and they would start to withdraw or get more rowdy. I’m glad I am more attuned now.

Being present is a skill that all parents must learn so they are able to truly connect. But of course this is easier said than done because to be present requires a deep understanding and valuing of who we are vis-à-vis our children.

Who are we? Who are our children to us? These are very important questions because this is where our parenting strategies emanate. These questions, if taken seriously, touch the very core of our beliefs. I remember when my wife and I prayed for our first born, we made sure that we were ready, at least emotionally. We told God that we were all set to be stewards, caretakers of the listless soul yet in His hands, ready to take on a physical body. And the moment this soul chooses us – our genes, lifestyle, beliefs, circumstances – we will try our very best to grow together.

I believe the posture of our hearts should be that of a steward. We do not own our children. We do not even borrow them. It is by pure grace that we are given the privilege and opportunity to love, to serve, and to grow with them. And because we are stewards, our authority and control over our children are not absolute. We are constrained to only seek what is best for them without lording over. And if we feel we fall short of what is ideal, then we should seek opportunities to learn and to be better as we go on.

We parents have the best intentions for our children. But intentions are not enough. It must translate into tangible, concrete expressions of our love and care. And this requires hard work. This requires change. And change is frightening. Change is painful. And our deeply ingrained beliefs and habits also make it difficult for us to acquire new skills that may improve ourselves. And so we go back to what we best know – the way of our own parents.

My brother in the community resolved to deal with his bunso differently this time. It will take time. But with the proper mindset, a deep desire to love, the right skills and techniques, and a never-ending faith in the grace of God, healing can suffice and a fulfillment of his role as a father. But how can we make it work? We’ll get to the ground next issue and take on the challenge of materializing our quest for responsive parenting. Yes, this can get very exciting.

After our parenting seminar last Saturday, all we wanted to do was unwind and relax. My wife and I, after a weeklong of activities in celebration of Bohol Child Head Start’s 3rd Founding Anniversary, looked forward to a day of respite and relaxation.

Since the kids were not around, we decided to stay overnight in a hotel, get a body massage, and dip in the swimming pool, and truly rest without the worry of waking up in the wee hours of the evening to make milk for our youngest. The scenario was oh so consuming that we only occasionally talked on our way to the hotel.

As soon as we checked in, we dropped dead unto the bed. But our sleep was brief since the phone rang after about 10 minutes. It was my mother-in-law. I gave the phone to my wife and a look of resignation registered on her face.

“They are sending the kids back because Oido (the youngest) was not able to sleep last night and he has fever again,” she said with a tinge of sadness in her voice. We sat on the bed and kept silent for a minute. We looked at each other and then we started to laugh. So much for our staycation!

To console me, my wife reminded me of the first thing that I said during the seminar, “Parenting is a 24/7 job!” And I remembered that somebody in the audience added in jest, “25/7!” After soothing ourselves from the frustrating news, we decided to go home. But we did not check out. Who knows, something better might happen?

Indeed, something beautiful and memorable can come about if we tune it to the moment and look at what is good about it. I ended up spending time with my two boys in the hotel and my wife with the youngest in the house. And boy did they enjoy!

And I enjoyed too. I discovered that my 4-year old son could already kick his legs and swim. I did not know they could already appreciate live music as they got mesmerized by the band during dinner. And my eldest who is 5years old could already call the waiter politely by himself and make his order!

It was not only a moment of bonding. It was practically an application of what I shared with the parents who attended my seminar. It was a moment of discovery for me. Because many times, these things pass me by, because at times I don’t spend time to truly attend to them and savor their presence.

During the seminar, I shared many specific and practical skills that if mastered and applied properly, would make a significant impact to parents’ behaviors and with that of their kids. But I said as well, that among all the skills, it is the parents’ ability to tune in to the child’s world that is the most important.

For most of the parents, it is quite a revelation. I told them that to tune in is not to ask questions or to issue instructions. It is simply describing what a child is doing. For many, this is quite counterintuitive. When we engage with our children, we pepper them with questions and instructions. We are fond of asking what this is and that, thinking that we are facilitating connection with our child.

But in reality, asking questions imply that we are not attending seriously. And when we issue instructions always, that tells we know more than they do. Of course we ask questions and issue instructions. But before we do, it is important that we establish first the foundation of trust and it can only happen when our children feel that we are in the same frequency with them.

The best way to do this is just to simply describe what is happening and what we actually see with a delighted expression. We can say, “Oh, I see green all over!” Or, “And the balloon popped and it’s gone!” and many other ways to articulate what we see and feel. To tune in is also to imitate our kid’s posture and actions.

That one fateful Saturday with my two boys taught me to forget about my own desires and wishes and allowed me to look at the world using their own lens. This does not happen all the time and I’m truly glad it did. I don’t want to wake up one morning realizing that they have grown too big and I have missed their childhood.

24/7? Let us make it an opportunity to tune in. By the way, my youngest son Oido was eventually admitted to the hospital. His first. And it became another opportunity for the family to bond and yes…for my wife and I to tune in to him.

Which is which? Can’t we have both? Of course. But here is the catch. Latest research reveals that your attitude is a better predictor of success than your IQ.

Carol Dweck, a psychologist from Standford University, has practically spent her entire career studying attitude and performance. In her book Mindset, she categorized people’s core attitudes into two categories: a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

With a fixed mindset, you believe you are who you are and you cannot change. This creates problems when you’re challenged because anything that appears to be more than you can handle is bound to make you feel hopeless and overwhelmed.

People with a growth mindset believe that they can improve with effort. They outperform those with a fixed mindset, even when they have a lower IQ, because they embrace challenges, treating them as opportunities to learn something new.

Now, we are all inspired by people who are smart, especially in school. However, if the person has fixed mindset, such confidence will only stay while the going is easy. The deciding factor in life is how we handle setbacks and challenges.

According to Dweck, success in life is all about how you deal with failure. People with a growth mindset welcome setbacks with open arms. She said, “Failure is information – we label it failure, but it’s more like, ‘This didn’t work, and I’m a problem solver, so I’ll try something else.’”

So, how do we develop a growth mindset? Here are some suggestions from Carol Dweck.

Don’t stay helpless. We all have those moments. But the test is how we react to that feeling. We can either go down with it or make it as a learning experience. Countless of successful people who would have never made it if they had given in to their feelings of helplessness: Manny Pacquiao, Walt Disney, Henry Ford, Oprah Winfrey, and many others. People with a growth mindset don’t feel helpless because they know that in order to be successful, you need to be willing to fail hard and then bounce right back.

Be passionate. Pursue your passions relentlessly. What you lack in talent, you can make up for passion. I always tell my students to write down their goals and determine what it is they really want. As soon as they identify their ambitions, they get very excited and begin to take steps to make it done. And then I tell them to never give up until such is attained.

Act. Nothing happens when we do not act. People with a growth mindset are not braver than the rest of us, but they know that fear and anxiety are paralyzing emotions and the best way to overcome this paralysis is to take action. There is no such thing as a perfect moment to move forward, so don’t wait for one.

Expect results. People with a growth mindset know that they’re going to fail from time to time, but they never let that keep them from expecting results. Expecting results keeps you motivated and feeds the cycle of empowerment. After all, if you don’t think you’re going to succeed, then why bother?

Don’t complain when things don’t go your way. Complaining is an obvious sign of a fixed mindset. A growth mindset looks for opportunity in everything, so there’s no room for complaints.

Attitude makes altitude. IQ and talent can only bring us far enough. Without a growth mindset, we get stuck and ultimately fade in oblivion.

P.S. For consultations, please contact 09122506898.

I congratulate all the graduating students this year. Because you have reached this far, that means you have hurdled the challenges and in the process made yourselves bigger than all these problems.

But good for you. Not everyone is able to make it. And in other countries, these school pressures have resulted to suicide even among young children.

A recent report indicated that the Bureau of Education in Hongkong is in quandary and in crisis over four pupils who committed suicide in just five days.

The government of Hongkong has provided more psychologists to the schools in response to this emergency. But an official expressed that the deployment of these psychologists is not the answer to this problem. It is only a band aid solution.

And I agree. Psychologists can only do so much. The fundamental cause of the problem, as the officials sees it, is on the score-oriented education system that had been putting increasing pressure on schools, parents and especially children.

Our very own educational system is not very far from that of Hongkong. We rely so much on test scores and point system. After school, we give our students bulk of homework to do. On top of that, we enroll our kids to every class conceivable; from tutorials to ballet, to music, arts and crafts, and the list is endless.

On their own, it’s not so bad. But when parents, school, and teachers, put so much emphasis on achievement, we are unduly putting pressure on our children. And the result can be as devastating as suicide.

We have become a very competitive society. And we know what competition does. We pit them against each other. That is not very healthy. And as a parent and psychologist, I make sure that I mitigate the pressure on my children by valuing them as they are and not much on what they achieve.

It is better to focus on effort than achievement. With effort, there is so much room for improvement without much pressure. With focus on achievement, there is not much space to be creative…especially to fail.

Significant lessons in life are learned only through failures. It is not healthy to overprotect our children from them. And when a school system is so tight about children’s mistakes, they unwittingly create a divide, a label, with those who are able on one side and the not so able on the other side.

Many of the kids in Hongkong are depressed. They are very busy with a lot of things but too little meaningful interaction with others. And with the mounting pressure, they easily bail out…yes, by killing themselves.

This is scary indeed. Life is not only about getting high scores and points. It is also about making mistakes, and failing without being judged at all.

P.S. Bohol Child Head Start is now open for inquiry for its Summer Program and Regular School Year 2016-2017. Please call or text 416-1248 or 09295571136. You can also visit our website at www.boholchild.com.

As a psychologist, I usually utilize psychometric tests to help me in making informed decisions about my clients. It is the same as an educator. I make evaluations of my students based on some form of tests, and most of the time (if not all the time), in the form of paper and pencil tests.

But I recognize that this is a very limited way to measure students’ potential and achievement. And many of our schools espouse the idea, as reflected in their curriculum and practices, that intelligence and achievement are general abilities and it is either a child has more of it, less of it, or none at all.

But it is a no brainer that in real life, challenges come not only in paper and pencil form but in many various ways. And when training, particularly in school, focuses solely on developing the language and reasoning skills through paper and pencil tests, then our schools fall short in really preparing our children for life.

I believe that intelligence is not just a general ability but they are specific abilities which blend together and allow the unique expression of an individual’s learning style and inclinations. I embrace Howard Gardner’s idea that intelligence is not solely measured by an IQ test but more so by its utility, through problem solving or fashioning a product, in a particular culture.

Our mind has varied preferences to learn and express learning. When these are not recognized, especially in schools because of a one-size-fit- all kind of curriculum, then it deprives the student of real development and direction in the future.

According to Gardner, there are seven intelligences or flavors of the mind so to speak, which has its own symbolic expression and core operations.

First in the list is Verbal-Linguistic intelligence. This is expressed in well-developed verbal skills and sensitivity to the sounds, meanings, and rhythm of words. Examples of this are poets, writers, lawyers, hosts. This can be measured by an IQ test. Logical-mathematical intelligence is the ability to think conceptually and abstractly, and capacity to discern logical and numerical patterns. Professions high in this intelligence are accountants, engineers, scientists, mathematicians, etc. This can also be measured through an IQ test.

Visual-Spatial Intelligence is the capacity to think in images and pictures, to visualize accurately and abstractly. People high in this intelligence include architects, artists, truck drivers, navigators, webmaster, etc. This can also be measured by IQ test. Bodily-kinesthetic Intelligence is the ability to control one’s body movements and to handle objects skillfully. Manny Pacquiao, Roger Federrer, Stephen Curry, dancers, etc. are endowed with this intelligence.

Musical Intelligence is the ability to produce and appreciate rhythm, pitch and timber. Musicians, voice instructors, audiologists, composers and conductors, are examples of this. Interpersonal Intelligence refers to the ability to detect and respond appropriately to the moods, motivations, and desires of others. Actors, politicians, psychologists, teachers, leaders, are having this intelligence. Intrapersonal Intelligence is the capacity to be self-aware and in tune with inner feelings, values, beliefs and thinking processes. Gurus, priests, counselors, are some of the people who have this.

While these intelligences have each distinct processing system, they blend together to create a profile unique for each person. How they contribute to the development and continuity of the society and culture one is in is the ultimate test of achievement. Hence, being in the honor roll is not the only evidence that you are intelligent; it is whether you are able to solve problems or create products valuable to your culture.

Now, the role of schools should be to cater, nurture, and celebrate all of these intelligences equilaterally. How, that will be for next issue.